You really know they're desperate when they send ME letters trying to recruit me into the Army National Guard. I was positive that I was on a watchlist somewhere that would automatically exclude me from consideration - a sure sign that the draft can't be too far away...
Dear American,
You may never have another chance like this one. To become a force against terror and other forces that threaten America's way of life.
Silly me - I thought they meant the Republicans. At least they acknowledged I was American.
Throughout the year, parents, teachers, counselors, coaches, and even your friends have been asking you: "What are you going to do next?"
What will your answer be?
Before you decide, you owe it to yourself to talk to the Army National Guard. Make no mistake. The Guard Needs you. Just call 1-800-GO-GUARD to find out why.
I already know why. They need some warm bodies to get shot at in Iraq because they did such a miserable job planning for the "post-war."
The skills and experiences you'll gain as a soldier are irreplaceable. They will help you succeed and advance in whatever civilian career you eventually choose.
Somehow, learning how to shoot up poor brown Muslims and Arabs doesn't sound like much of marketable skill.
You can also go to college right aaway because the Guard offers up to 100% tuition assistance. But that's not where it ends.
Threats to America are everywhere, and we need to confront them swiftly and forcefully when they arise. Whether it's helping to fight the war on terror or cleaning up after earthquakes, tornadoes or hurricanes, Americans need the best and brightest to protect them. Will you answer their call?
Somehow I get the feeling there's not a lot of reservists left pulling tornado duty.
You no longer have to sand on the sidelines, watching as others defend America. This is your chance to make a difference.
Tens of thousands of men and women just like you have embarked on this great adventure full of challenges, adventure and new experiences. They are waiting for you to join them.
I think this is what we ought to tell people who claim to support the war. Incidentally, they could use some better writers - embark on this great adventure full of adventure?
You have many options to consider this year, and will have to make some tough decisions. The Army National Guard is a big commitment, but the sacrifice you make for your country will be rewarded and appreciated.
Some appreciation. Cutting medical benefits for veterans, paying contractors more than soldiers, overstaying tours, and sending reservists into combat zones while leaving their families financially stranded? And I get to weigh that against a solid job opportunity where no one will shoot at me? Gosh, that IS a difficult decision...
Check us out; there's absolutely no obligation on your part. Call 1-800-GO-GUARD today to find out more about the Army National Guard. There's absolutely no commitment, and you'll be glad you called.
Sincerely,
Richard R. Guzzetta
LTC, National Guard Bureau
Chief, Strength Maintenance DivisionP.S. When you meet with your recruiter, make sure to ask about your free T-shirt and DVD. The Guard has them reserved just for you.
Y'know I'm broke but I'm not quite that desperate just yet. But clearly they are.
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